Thursday, January 10, 2013


Sometimes the seemingly most simple thing takes you over the edge.
Sometimes you'll have a great week or day or month, then it all will just hit you.
I go and go, feeling great and loving life, then out of the blue I realize that my life is just really, exceptionally stupid.
I feel like I have more to give, and I even request my results from an IQ test taken years ago, for, I don't know, self-validation I suppose.
I feel like a terrible person for really just not caring. I know I should. But I can't be invested in your problems right now. Sorry.
I'm caught in a circle of confidence and self-doubt, confidence and self-doubt, and I feel guilty no matter which one I give in to that day.
The simplest things are the things that never work out for me.
I have too much to do and no time to do it. No matter what gets done, some of it won't and someone will always think I'm not trying enough.
I realize so clearly all of the things I'm doing wrong or that I'm not doing at all.

The problem here is that I don't know what being 'me' entails. I feel like everyone else is self-mastered and, at least, knows themselves. I don't even know what my personality is.
Literally, the last time I took the 'red, yellow, white, blue' test, I practically got 4 quarters of a pie. Nothing above 35%, nothing below 15%. I feel like I should at least have one distinguishing characteristic.

Thank you so much, Jentrie, for making me that mix CD. I don't usually listen to country, but it made me stop throwing my pens against the far wall.
Thank you, sketchbook, for waiting on the shelf for more than a year before I realized that watercolors are not just for elementary school.
Thank you, vitamins, for letting me take 7 of you every day after school. I don't know why it helps, but it does.
Thank you Mrs. Shawver, for letting me spend half of my classes today in the library.
And thank you, father, for forgetting about this little Christmas tree downstairs.

But I've played my violin more recently. I'm even teaching lessons to a little girl from my ward. And in 6 months, I will be in South America.

Today someone told me that the thing they like most about me is that my problems don't even faze me.
And I laughed, because they can't even know.

I have not been blogging regularly. Allow me this one post and I promise I will be back to normal and not nearly so depressing.

1 comment:

  1. "Thank you so much, Jentrie, for making me that mix CD. I don't usually listen to country, but it made me stop throwing my pens against the far wall."

    This was beautiful, the whole thing was beautiful. Its kinda sad how much beauty can come out of sad things. But sometimes its refreshing too knowing that you can take something bad and turn it into something beautiful. I'm sorry your having a bad day, or bad times. I think you seem like an amazing person and I hope things perk up for you and that you get a dose of happiness real soon. And not the fake kind either. The one that takes you by surprise. I totally understand sad state of minds and off days, so don't apologize for them. Just keep hanging in there.

    Also, that quote/picture.... no words. Its just perfect.

    Much love<3


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